Has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed?

This week I've been preparing for the GRE, which I finally took this morning. Most of the early part of my week was filled with madness. In my heart and in my head. I am absolutely certain that the GRE is definitely not the hardest thing I'll ever do, but I tend to make everything a big, big deal. I'm a drama queen and a perfectionist. Reeeally bad combination. My need for control and perfection has become a burden I unnecessarily take on. It leaves me worn.

Lately, I've been consumed with somewhat of an obsession with my future (actually not somewhat consumed..but excessively). While studying for the GRE, I've been thinking almost constantly about the grad school application process. About grad school in general. Whether I'll make it through or even get in. Why I'm doing this. I get caught up in this foolish 'need' sometimes to know where God will take me, how I'll turn out after all this is over, what parts of my plans He'll salvage.

Now that all the craziness is over, I started thinking back on my week and began feeling a sense of disappointment in myself, seeing a lot of moments where I could have done better. I realized there were so many instances I was so focused on myself that I was blind to the needs of others. I recalled how I reacted in moments of frustration. And most of all I recognized how little of the time I spent alone (practically living in my room) studying and pouring over my books was spent in prayer.

And boy did I feel the disunity, the emptiness of not giving myself over to Him. How I hate when I do that! Why do I do that? I was restless, body and soul. I wasted so much time planning and excessively worrying about how much there was to do that I barely got anything done. My mind was fried. My stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat. I felt so, so sick.

It showed in my relationships. In my temper. In my lack of patience. It showed in my prayer life.

Thankfully though about halfway through the week, after a few emotional meltdowns and talks with good friends who attempted to pour sense into me, God hit me pretty hard with a gentle reminder from my sister. She simply told me that I needed to spend some good time in prayer.

And I was like, "Wow...so true." She saw a need that I hadn't yet recognized. The moment she said it, I started feeling at ease. Crazy, right? It sounds so simple. But it is so simple. Why hadn't I thought of that? Let me tell you. Sometimes, I forget that I desperately need God. I try to do whatever I can on my own without running to Him, without sharing with Him, without putting my confidence in Him. Without Him. And its pointless. Its meaningless. Its not what I was made for...but I do it. Over and over again.

"Oh you of little faith."

And I was reminded that I don't want to be a hoarder. I don't want to hoard anything. Everything of mine belongs to our Lord. My time (from the moment I awake to when I sleep and everything in between), my energy, my skills, my education, my family, my every breath, my everything. I would want Him to say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." A servant knows that he lives to serve. A faithful server serves well and faithfully. I don't want to claim anything as my own, and that's true even in my vocation as a student. We simply do our part and let God do His.

Why worry when I've "already entrusted it to our Lord"...or so I say...

I ultimately desire that everything I do be about Him, but sometimes I become overly concerned with my own welfare...instead of leaving it to the One in whom all things come to be. Earlier this week, I was so caught up in anxiety, in control, and in myself that I lost sight of Him. He wants me to surrender my burdens, but I keep clenching them tightly. At the end of the day I have to ask myself, who/what am I laboring for?...for our Lord or for myself?...for food that perishes or for the Bread of Life? (John 6). Is the ground I'm on sinking sand or built upon a solid rock foundation with Christ as cornerstone (Matt 7)?

So while it's perfectly acceptable to get in what I call 'Olympian mode' at times to give our duties our very best (which was pretty much me this week with studying) how much more necessary is it to get caught up in things for the Lord? To pour our very selves into doing what pleases Him. To train ourselves in godliness, so that we can be imitators. "What good is it to gain the world and lose my soul?"

"For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." - (1 Timothy 4:10)

"Has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed?"

Bottomless coffee, God's bottomless love

Matthew 5:38-42 speaks about going a second mile.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.

I read this portion of Matthew 5 and think..it sounds like a lot of work. To go a second mile with someone, we must be willing to go one mile first. I have to admit, sometimes I don't even make it that far. I don't always react with love, with sweetness, with gentleness. My pride gets in the way. And as Christians, sometimes we think we're doing something really awesome and good when we react well to those who have wronged us, hurt us, or belittled us. When experiencing difficult situations or conversations we throw our "love" at them with a prideful, "Aha. Take that! I'm gonna be the better man." But are we really any better? Are we ever less prone to temptation, anger, pride, or really any vice than our neighbor? No.

And while it's definitely important and necessary to respond well...
what if instead of simply reacting well in love, we made initiatives to love?

Instead of saying "yes" to friends that ask for rides...what if we volunteered rides?
Instead of saying "yes" to those who ask for prayers...what if we always offered to pray and reassured them of prayers? Without being told.
Instead of internally cringing or hesitating when someone says those often dreaded words, "Can you do me a favor?"...what if we gave a 100% willing, unconditional, and enthusiastic "yes"?

What I mean to say is... Instead of merely agreeing to do things for others, what if we offered? What if we initiated whole-heartedly? Instead of sparingly serving love to one another, what if we poured it out unto others lavishily, without measure, without reserve.

Let's be real, most of the time...we are unwilling. Or we just plain don't think of it.  We're so concerned with ourselves. Our schedule. Our time. Our money. Our success. Our priorities. And in the midst of being consumed/obsessed with ourselves....we neglect others. But one thing is always true...Christ shows His love towards us by laying down his life. What if we believers did the same? Laid down our lives...not only by reacting in love...but by initiating love towards all men. Just as God both initiates and reacts in love...we show who Christ is by both.

Today, just as I walked into Zera's for my weekly coffee/study day, God poured out a cup of kindness towards me through a complete stranger. He was somewhat older and sat in his wheelchair at one of the long wooden tables. Just as I was passing, he turned to me and introduced himself as Todd. I noticed immediately that he had a severe stutter. We only spoke briefly, but he was warm and inviting. He asked me about the usual..my major (Speech Pathology), the ministry I'm involved in in Denton, my church. And I thought to myself..."Well, that was sweet." People don't usually just strike up conversation with people they don't know like that.

A little later, I went to the counter to get an iced coffee, and Todd was there paying his tab. As soon as he saw me, he told the cashier that he wanted to get something for his 'new friend'. And as much as I politely refused, he graciously persisted. I finally submitted and picked the cheapest thing on the menu that I could possibly find. And as I think to myself, "Oh, no, this is just too much. So nice....," he asked the cashier if my drink came with free refills. When she said "No" he said, "Okay, then make it a bottomless." In my head, I'm thinking...."Oh man...his kindness towards me just never ends. I shouldn't be getting a bottomless...I can barely finish just a small size...He's really wasting his money. He doesn't even know me...."

And as I stay to talk to him for a bit at the counter while he finishes paying, he just tells me that they'll bring the coffee out to where I'm sitting. I don't even know what to tell him in response to the unexpected sweetness...but he says that it was a pleasure meeting me. Imagine that. The pleasure was all mine Mr.Todd...who I will probably never meet again. I was astounded.

I have to say...it got me thinking... Why can't more people be like that? Why can't I be like that? Would I have ever even thought of doing that for someone I didn't know. Probably not.

What if people always cared for each other like that? Not acting only out of duty or obligation or necessity (because we don't know how to say "no" when people ask us for things) but volunteering to love...volunteering to give of ourselves graciously...just as God the Father fully gives of himself to us...because we want to say "yes."

How can we better live out the sacrificial love of Jesus? By sacrificing time and convenience to be there for others. And not only those who are close or important to us. But to every person...because of simply that...they are a person.

I want to be open and willing to go the extra mile for others.

I pray the words of John 13:35...that "By this the world will know that (we) are (His) disciples...if (we) have love for one another." I hope that our identity in Christ will be apparent by our love. Let's invite God to make our hearts bigger for His glory, so that the more we receive, the more we may also give.

First world problems

This was a really convicting read for me. 

In a country as lavish and progressive as ours, it's easy to look around and find trivial areas in which we're "lacking". I know that I often act like every slight inconvenience that God hands my way is an utter crisis. Praying for grace to better acknowledge and appreciate every blessing.

"I’ll continue to joke about my “first world problems,” but after visiting Nicaragua I realize that my greatest first world problem is my spiritual poverty – my failure to realize that I rely on God for everything I have and everything I need." - Allison Griswold

First world problems - Lifeteen

"Apart from the cross, there is no other ladder by which we may get to heaven." 
-St. Rose of Lima