This week I've been preparing for the GRE, which I finally took this morning. Most of the early part of my week was filled with madness. In my heart and in my head. I am absolutely certain that the GRE is definitely not the hardest thing I'll ever do, but I tend to make everything a big, big deal. I'm a drama queen and a perfectionist. Reeeally bad combination. My need for control and perfection has become a burden I unnecessarily take on. It leaves me worn.
Lately, I've been consumed with somewhat of an obsession with my future (actually not somewhat consumed..but excessively). While studying for the GRE, I've been thinking almost constantly about the grad school application process. About grad school in general. Whether I'll make it through or even get in. Why I'm doing this. I get caught up in this foolish 'need' sometimes to know where God will take me, how I'll turn out after all this is over, what parts of my plans He'll salvage.
Now that all the craziness is over, I started thinking back on my week and began feeling a sense of disappointment in myself, seeing a lot of moments where I could have done better. I realized there were so many instances I was so focused on myself that I was blind to the needs of others. I recalled how I reacted in moments of frustration. And most of all I recognized how little of the time I spent alone (practically living in my room) studying and pouring over my books was spent in prayer.
And boy did I feel the disunity, the emptiness of not giving myself over to Him. How I hate when I do that! Why do I do that? I was restless, body and soul. I wasted so much time planning and excessively worrying about how much there was to do that I barely got anything done. My mind was fried. My stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat. I felt so, so sick.
It showed in my relationships. In my temper. In my lack of patience. It showed in my prayer life.
Thankfully though about halfway through the week, after a few emotional meltdowns and talks with good friends who attempted to pour sense into me, God hit me pretty hard with a gentle reminder from my sister. She simply told me that I needed to spend some good time in prayer.
And I was like, "Wow...so true." She saw a need that I hadn't yet recognized. The moment she said it, I started feeling at ease. Crazy, right? It sounds so simple. But it is so simple. Why hadn't I thought of that? Let me tell you. Sometimes, I forget that I desperately need God. I try to do whatever I can on my own without running to Him, without sharing with Him, without putting my confidence in Him. Without Him. And its pointless. Its meaningless. Its not what I was made for...but I do it. Over and over again.
"Oh you of little faith."
And I was reminded that I don't want to be a hoarder. I don't want to hoard anything. Everything of mine belongs to our Lord. My time (from the moment I awake to when I sleep and everything in between), my energy, my skills, my education, my family, my every breath, my everything. I would want Him to say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." A servant knows that he lives to serve. A faithful server serves well and faithfully. I don't want to claim anything as my own, and that's true even in my vocation as a student. We simply do our part and let God do His.
Why worry when I've "already entrusted it to our Lord"...or so I say...
I ultimately desire that everything I do be about Him, but sometimes I become overly concerned with my own welfare...instead of leaving it to the One in whom all things come to be. Earlier this week, I was so caught up in anxiety, in control, and in myself that I lost sight of Him. He wants me to surrender my burdens, but I keep clenching them tightly. At the end of the day I have to ask myself, who/what am I laboring for?...for our Lord or for myself?...for food that perishes or for the Bread of Life? (John 6). Is the ground I'm on sinking sand or built upon a solid rock foundation with Christ as cornerstone (Matt 7)?
So while it's perfectly acceptable to get in what I call 'Olympian mode' at times to give our duties our very best (which was pretty much me this week with studying) how much more necessary is it to get caught up in things for the Lord? To pour our very selves into doing what pleases Him. To train ourselves in godliness, so that we can be imitators. "What good is it to gain the world and lose my soul?"
"For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." - (1 Timothy 4:10)
"Has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed?"
