True Discipleship

The world gives us this idea that some are born to be leaders, while others are followers. When I was young, everyone always told me that I needed to be more assertive, and it was hard for me because I just thought of myself as a follower. Never a leader. And I was fine with that. The idea of leading scared me, because without following someone else, I didn’t know how to lead or where to lead. I didn’t have enough confidence in myself because I knew my limitations.

I didn’t realize then that God has something totally different in mind :)

I was actually born to be both. And that might seem contradictory. But in the light of the Gospel, it makes sense. God is calling me to follow Christ and to lead others to Him. I must first follow, and then lead. Without following I wouldn’t know where to lead. And by not leading, I wouldn’t truly be following. It would be wrong to follow something real and beautiful and to not allow God to use you to lead others so they can also experience the same reality and beauty. Both are so closely knit and to do one without the other is a contradiction.

And the thing about leading others in Christ is that your souce of confidence is not in yourself. You can see your strengths and weaknesses and are able to trust that God uses BOTH. You recognize that you are nothing apart from Christ and your confidence rests in Him. It’s incredible. St. John Eudes puts it well:

“Pride is an illusion, a lie, and a thief. And since it is a truth of faith that we are nothing, he who esteems himself and thinks that he is someone is a seducer who deceives himself.”

St. John the Baptist is such a great example of what it means to be a true disciple. He's so cool :) As "the people were in expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John, whether he might be the Christ, John answered them all, saying, “I baptize you with water, but he who is mightier than I is coming, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire." (Luke 3 15-16). At the very sight of Jesus he proclaims, "Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world." What a witness!

St. John the Baptist, you were such a model of humility. Your purpose was to be the forerunner of Christ to the world. You showed the world who Christ was. (How beautiful! Like an MC before a program who gets everyone excited.) You once said, “He must increase, I must decrease. Pray for me, that I may never let pride be a stumbling block on my journey to Christ. May I never act out of love of self, but rather out of love of God and love of my neighbor (a child of God). Help me to be a true disciple, by following Christ and leading others to Him.

“What really matters in life is that we are loved by Christ and that we love Him in return. In comparison to the love of Jesus, everything else is secondary. And, without the love of Jesus, everything is useless.”

—	Blessed Pope John Paul II

Life in the Spirit

Something I realized when talking to a relative in India who really inspired me: 
When you live in the Spirit, the things you do and say become a way of naturally expressing who God is because of the unity you experience with God. For example, when you love someone everything reminds you of that person. The same is true in friendship and union with God. You see something (whether it is a person’s response, the beauty of nature, a never before appreciated virtue in a hard to love neighbor, anything…) and think “Wow, God this reminds me of you. You’re beautiful.” And in this, creation can truly glorify the Creator. We find life and fulfillment in the Spirit.

Everything is His

“If everything is Yours…I’m letting it go. It was never mine to hold.” - Audrey Assad (Everything is Yours)

Something God has been drilling in my head since I reached here: Everything is His. 

I think God knew that I needed this reminder during my time away from home. I was so concerned before leaving about how I could get through this month without my usual comforts. My dad told me that I could bring my laptop and that when we got to Kerela, he’d set up internet for me. So during my week in Bombay, we kept my laptop packed up in the laptop bag on the floor in our room. And I was anxiously awaiting getting to Kerela. But I guess God sometimes has better plans for us than we have for ourselves ;) God truly desired more for me. When someone came to give us the internet card thingy, after we’d reached Kerela, we discovered that my computer wasn’t working. The people at the computer store told us that my hard drive was broken and could not be replaced. When they took apart my laptop, they found it filled with tons and tons of ants! I still can’t believe it. I didn’t even know that could happen. I guess bringing my laptop to India was a bad idea…

So not only was I not going to be able to use my laptop here after all…everything I will most likely lose everything I’ve ever saved on my laptop - all that I’ve written over the past 3 years. This was a heart-breaking lesson for me. But one that I really needed. The computer people don’t know how bad the damage is on the media card, so they gave me the old hard drive so that when I get back the U.S. I can see if there is a way to retrieve some old data. I know that if God wants me to have it, He’ll provide a way. But if not, then I need to be okay with that.

That’s actually why I decided to start this blog. I realized that for the past few years God really put so much on my heart that I would write about and save on my laptop. But I could have shared what He’s teaching me with others so that others can also be blessed by what I learn. We’re all learning. And God made us to live in community with others so that we can experience unity with Him and lead each other to unity with Him. 

All that I have is a gracious gift from my heavenly Father. If I am stripped of every earthly possession that I’ve attempted to store up over time, I still have everything in Christ Jesus. He is my all. 

I’m discovering how temporary nature of earthly goods. Nothing lasts. In time, all “things” are lost or broken. This might sound pessimistic. But my intention is really to attempt to understand and take in this reality. 

Only a few days later, our Lord thought I needed another reminder of this lesson I’d learned. 

I have this necklace - a silver chain with a small crystal cross on it. My sister gave it to me a few years ago and I’ve worn it all the time ever since. The chain just randomly broke, and then I tried to fix it by tying it together temporarily. I figured that I could get a replace the chain and keep the locket. But then a few hours later, I found the broken chain on the floor and the locket was nowhere to be found. 

Sometimes we get so caught up on symbols that we forget the greater reality that they are meant to communicate. I love that I can wear a cross around my neck as jewelry while at the same time identify myself as a Christian to the people around me. In a way, it acts as a kind of testimony. But I’m held accoutntible for it, because if I “talk the talk” I have to “walk the walk”. The world is looking to me to be a believer. So by the way that I live, I’m either witnessing to Christ or testifying against him.  My cross locket it is a symbol of Christ and the cross, but looking beyond symbols…it is more important that Christ lives in my heart.

It's really not a big deal. But when I lost it, I was disappointed because it was pretty. But again I had to say, “Okay, Lord, have it. It’s for you anyway.” God is teaching me not to get too attached to anything. I really appreciate the reminders. 

And I think this idea of everything being ultimately His should extend into every aspect of our lives - our relationships, our time, our possessions. Because when we have look at everything we experience from this perspective, it frees us to love all the more.

“Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All things are passing. God never changes. Patience attains all that it strives for. He who has God finds he lacks nothing. God alone suffices.”

—	St. Teresa of Avila

Embracing All

My time here in India has been a unique and purposeful experience. I’m learning to let go and most of all - to love. 

It’s been difficult, but I trust in that God is forming me in His image. Sometimes I feel (actually most times) like an opera singer at a karaoke bar, completely out of place. She can go and appreciate the environment, love the music, enjoy the company of others, but the moment she goes to the mike to sing and participate, she stands out. The same is true for me with my Malayalam. 

I can appreciate the beauty here, the sense of calm, enjoy the blessing of not having to worry about a thing. I don’t keep track of the time of day. And I can listen to the conversations of relatives I rarely get to see. But I can never fully participate in it, no matter how much I desire to, not matter how hard I try. Sometimes when someone will ask me something, there’s so much I want to say in response..but it’s so hard to communicate it, because of the language barrier. It takes so much effort to say in Malayalam what I could speak so easily in English. And when I try, I know that they can see that I’m struggling with my Malayalam. I know that God is really humbling me. Most of the time I end up deciding that it’s not worth the effort and just answer the question I’m asked. But I have to say - i hate that - because there’s so much on my heart. It’s so strange that you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. 

I’m constantly reminded of why I decided to major in speech pathology. The difficulty of not being able to communicate is a burdensome one. Understanding is something valued and sought after. And a lack of understanding can leave a person feeling heavy-hearted. 

But I’m only here for a few weeks. I can’t imagine what it’s like to acquire a speech impairment, whether due to age, a traumatic brain injury, or any other reason. We must pray for these fellow brothers and sisters. They must have so much on their hearts to share as well and are patiently waiting in the hope of someday being able to easily communicate their thoughts. 

Being here is teaching me so much each day. I firmly believe that God enables us to experience things so that we can be refined, and our own weaknesses he uses for His service. After desiring so much to be understood by those around me here, I’ve come to see how important it is to take the time to understand others the way we ourselves desire to be understood. 

St. Francis sums it up perfectly in His prayer for peace:

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, 

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;  

Where there is injury, pardon;         

where there is doubt, faith;  

where there is despair, hope;                                                              

where there is darkness, light;  

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. 

For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

 What God desires for me is this - to be emptied. To pour out myself to those around me in total love without measuring how much. 

And I’m learning so far that this is much more easily said than done.