My time here in India has been a unique and purposeful experience. I’m learning to let go and most of all - to love.
It’s been difficult, but I trust in that God is forming me in His image. Sometimes I feel (actually most times) like an opera singer at a karaoke bar, completely out of place. She can go and appreciate the environment, love the music, enjoy the company of others, but the moment she goes to the mike to sing and participate, she stands out. The same is true for me with my Malayalam.
I can appreciate the beauty here, the sense of calm, enjoy the blessing of not having to worry about a thing. I don’t keep track of the time of day. And I can listen to the conversations of relatives I rarely get to see. But I can never fully participate in it, no matter how much I desire to, not matter how hard I try. Sometimes when someone will ask me something, there’s so much I want to say in response..but it’s so hard to communicate it, because of the language barrier. It takes so much effort to say in Malayalam what I could speak so easily in English. And when I try, I know that they can see that I’m struggling with my Malayalam. I know that God is really humbling me. Most of the time I end up deciding that it’s not worth the effort and just answer the question I’m asked. But I have to say - i hate that - because there’s so much on my heart. It’s so strange that you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
I’m constantly reminded of why I decided to major in speech pathology. The difficulty of not being able to communicate is a burdensome one. Understanding is something valued and sought after. And a lack of understanding can leave a person feeling heavy-hearted.
But I’m only here for a few weeks. I can’t imagine what it’s like to acquire a speech impairment, whether due to age, a traumatic brain injury, or any other reason. We must pray for these fellow brothers and sisters. They must have so much on their hearts to share as well and are patiently waiting in the hope of someday being able to easily communicate their thoughts.
Being here is teaching me so much each day. I firmly believe that God enables us to experience things so that we can be refined, and our own weaknesses he uses for His service. After desiring so much to be understood by those around me here, I’ve come to see how important it is to take the time to understand others the way we ourselves desire to be understood.
St. Francis sums it up perfectly in His prayer for peace:
“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
What God desires for me is this - to be emptied. To pour out myself to those around me in total love without measuring how much.
And I’m learning so far that this is much more easily said than done.
