Winter Retreat 2012

"You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You." - St.Augustine

Going into retreat, I had so many fears about leading this small group. I kept thinking, “How am I going to be there for these girls? Are they going to be able to relate to me? What if I’m not silly enough, cool enough? How are they going to be able to share their hearts with me?…..” I knew how important our time was, but I was honestly terrified about not being what I needed and desperately wanted to be. But God knew what he was doing when he brought all 8 of us together…even though I had no clue. Little did I know that I would have such a life-changing couple of days with girls I barely knew coming in! God used our week together to allow us to be transparent, to reveal and better understand our woundedness, and receive healing in Him together in ways I never saw coming. So incredibly privileged to see and experience hearts thirsting for holiness, for transformation, for grace. I can’t express how much I look forward to continue growing and learning with you beautiful beautiful ladies. So thankful for every one of you! J

"It is openness to the whole, to the infinite, that makes man complete. Man is man by reaching out infinitely beyond himself and he is consequently more of a man the less enclosed he is in himself, the less "limited" he is. For - let me repeat - that man is most man, indeed the true man, who is most unlimited, who not only has contact with the infinite - the infinite being! - but is one with him: Jesus Christ."        
                                                    
                                                                                            - Introduction to Christianity

A people of thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving. I’ve been hearing a lot about thanksgiving for quite some time this season…and not only hearing about it but talking about it too. And it’s sooo good to be excited, excited to give thanks! We should do it often and wholeheartedly. With all ourselves and with great enthusiasm!  We have every reason to be a people bursting in thanksgiving. There’s so much to be thankful for, and we need only look around us to see about a million reasons.

It’s actually the day after Thanksgiving, but yesterday was quick and busy. I had a great time with my family, cooking with my sister, sharing great meal times, relaxing, chatting. But now that the hustle and bustle that comes with pretty much any holiday is over, I want to take the time to take in and quietly reflect on what this time is all about.

Gratitude, thanksgiving. Joy.

The three are distinct but also intricately connected. If we aren’t experiencing one, we’re kinda missing the mark. What is life without gratitude? Without thanksgiving? Without joy?

It’s easy to express thankfulness, to say “thank you”…but do we really feel it in our hearts? Do we mean it? Are we simply putting on the facade of thanksgiving or actually giving thanks?

I had to ask myself a lot recently:

1. Do I appreciate what God has blessed me with? Or am I constantly asking for more?

                Often, our “thankfulness” is accompanied by a surprising “need” to accumulate more. Let’s face the ugly facts…sometimes, thanksgiving time brings out the worst in us. It brings out our ingratitude and hunger for more… especially as shoppers. Why is that? Yesterday, I decided to venture out for Black Friday sales to see what all the talk was about…and now I get why it's sometimes called “Midnight madness”….it really was madness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely a fan of sales. I rummaged through all the sale papers, did my share of research, and even had a list of go-to stores for the night. I was all set. But….by the time I got there and experienced the “madness”…I quickly had enough. It’s surprising to believe that we had just celebrated “thanksgiving” for what we have. How far will we go to get what we want/”need”? If I have all things…but do not have love…I am nothing (1 Cor 13).

It makes sense that we would be unsatisfied here. While we should be forever grateful, our hearts should long for more. We were made for more. What we’ve experienced so far is only a foretaste. We are appreciative, but also living in hope of eternity with our Lord. For everlasting joy and endless celebration of thanksgiving to God. But my longing for the infinite cannot be met in finite things. We must stop searching and let Him fill and consume us. 

2. Do I compare my gifts, talents, blessings, lives with others? By quality or number?

                God gives graciously to all as He sees fitting and as they need it. He knows our hearts. And as scripture tells us, “all good-giving and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of lights (James 1).” He gives perfect gifts, and if my life is a gift perfectly-given…then I have no need to compare!

3. Do I feel thankful and express it in the way that I live?

I desperately fail in giving thanks sometimes. Most times. Almost all the time.

To give thanks we must first experience a reason to be thankful in our hearts. We must have gratitude. Gratitude is that overwhelming experience of love and appreciation for something. When we feel truly grateful for something, it pours out in the way that we live. We give of ourselves to others more freely. We live with great joy and peace.

Throughout the busyness of “celebrating” and “doing”, I had to stop several times and ask myself….”Am I truly grateful or am I waiting around for the next momentary pleasure or gift? How can I better live gratefulness?”

Gratitude, thanksgiving, joy.

Gratitude for the immeasurable blessings and grace over my life. Joy in living the life granted to me, the ability to experience it, and specifically joy in where I am with God right now. And thanks-giving for everything. For the goodness of the material things but more importantly the spiritual ones. For His faithfulness and provision, the gift of faith, adoption by the Father through the Son, His sacrificial cross, experiencing His love, a faith family – the Church, and the hope of oneness with Him eternally.

"The Eucharist, the sacrament of our salvation accomplished by Christ on the cross, is also a sacrifice of praise in thanksgiving for the work of creation. In Eucharistic sacrifice the whole of creation loved by God is presented to the Father through the death and Resurrection of Christ. Through Christ the Church can offer the sacrifice of praise in thanksgiving for all that God has made good, beautiful, and just in creation and in humanity.

The Eucharist is a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the Father, a blessing by which the Church expresses her gratitude to God for all his benefits, for all that he has accomplished through creation, redemption, and sanctification. Eucharist means first of all "thanksgiving."

The Eucharist is also the sacrifice of praise by which the Church sings the glory of God in the name of all creation. This sacrifice of praise is only possible through Christ: he unites the faithful to his person, to his praise, and to his intercession, so that the sacrifice of praise to the Father is offered through Christ and with him, to be accepted in him." - CCC 1359-1361

Let’s take time to consider our blessings, time to engage in them, and time to notice those quiet whisperings of God…those moments especially infused with His spirit.

God, make us always a people of thanksgiving. 

It's definitely easier to blog about learned truths than it is to live them. Praying for the grace to do both.

Our Lord to St.Faustina:

"You see what you are of yourself, but do not be frightened at this. If I were to reveal to you the whole misery that you are, you would die of terror. However, be aware of what you are. Because you are such great misery, I have revealed to you the whole ocean of My mercy."                                            
                                                                                      - From the diary of St.Faustina Kowalska

 Plunging deeply and blindly into the unwavering depths of His abundant mercy.

The heart is rich when it is content, and it is content when its desires are set upon God's Will. -- St. Miguel of Ecuador

Has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed?

This week I've been preparing for the GRE, which I finally took this morning. Most of the early part of my week was filled with madness. In my heart and in my head. I am absolutely certain that the GRE is definitely not the hardest thing I'll ever do, but I tend to make everything a big, big deal. I'm a drama queen and a perfectionist. Reeeally bad combination. My need for control and perfection has become a burden I unnecessarily take on. It leaves me worn.

Lately, I've been consumed with somewhat of an obsession with my future (actually not somewhat consumed..but excessively). While studying for the GRE, I've been thinking almost constantly about the grad school application process. About grad school in general. Whether I'll make it through or even get in. Why I'm doing this. I get caught up in this foolish 'need' sometimes to know where God will take me, how I'll turn out after all this is over, what parts of my plans He'll salvage.

Now that all the craziness is over, I started thinking back on my week and began feeling a sense of disappointment in myself, seeing a lot of moments where I could have done better. I realized there were so many instances I was so focused on myself that I was blind to the needs of others. I recalled how I reacted in moments of frustration. And most of all I recognized how little of the time I spent alone (practically living in my room) studying and pouring over my books was spent in prayer.

And boy did I feel the disunity, the emptiness of not giving myself over to Him. How I hate when I do that! Why do I do that? I was restless, body and soul. I wasted so much time planning and excessively worrying about how much there was to do that I barely got anything done. My mind was fried. My stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat. I felt so, so sick.

It showed in my relationships. In my temper. In my lack of patience. It showed in my prayer life.

Thankfully though about halfway through the week, after a few emotional meltdowns and talks with good friends who attempted to pour sense into me, God hit me pretty hard with a gentle reminder from my sister. She simply told me that I needed to spend some good time in prayer.

And I was like, "Wow...so true." She saw a need that I hadn't yet recognized. The moment she said it, I started feeling at ease. Crazy, right? It sounds so simple. But it is so simple. Why hadn't I thought of that? Let me tell you. Sometimes, I forget that I desperately need God. I try to do whatever I can on my own without running to Him, without sharing with Him, without putting my confidence in Him. Without Him. And its pointless. Its meaningless. Its not what I was made for...but I do it. Over and over again.

"Oh you of little faith."

And I was reminded that I don't want to be a hoarder. I don't want to hoard anything. Everything of mine belongs to our Lord. My time (from the moment I awake to when I sleep and everything in between), my energy, my skills, my education, my family, my every breath, my everything. I would want Him to say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." A servant knows that he lives to serve. A faithful server serves well and faithfully. I don't want to claim anything as my own, and that's true even in my vocation as a student. We simply do our part and let God do His.

Why worry when I've "already entrusted it to our Lord"...or so I say...

I ultimately desire that everything I do be about Him, but sometimes I become overly concerned with my own welfare...instead of leaving it to the One in whom all things come to be. Earlier this week, I was so caught up in anxiety, in control, and in myself that I lost sight of Him. He wants me to surrender my burdens, but I keep clenching them tightly. At the end of the day I have to ask myself, who/what am I laboring for?...for our Lord or for myself?...for food that perishes or for the Bread of Life? (John 6). Is the ground I'm on sinking sand or built upon a solid rock foundation with Christ as cornerstone (Matt 7)?

So while it's perfectly acceptable to get in what I call 'Olympian mode' at times to give our duties our very best (which was pretty much me this week with studying) how much more necessary is it to get caught up in things for the Lord? To pour our very selves into doing what pleases Him. To train ourselves in godliness, so that we can be imitators. "What good is it to gain the world and lose my soul?"

"For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." - (1 Timothy 4:10)

"Has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed?"